There are many adults out there who came to be where they are by simple going with what others tell them. They stumble into a life they call their own, while also never committing or making any major decisions for themselves. It provides for a neat little trick – when things go wrong, blame it on someone else. They’re the one who made the decisions, aren’t they?
A lot of the time, those others are family members. This explains why the intricate “Tell me about your childhood”-question is often asked by psychiatrists, but also why so many TV shows and movies make light of the topic. Ha-ha, you adult with childhood traumas, ha-ha.
No one wants to be accountable for their own failures. That’s the simple truth. It’s easier to blame your mother, father, siblings, grandparents or whoever it is that shaped you as a person.
The main issue with that is knowing where the line is.
When does you mother stop being accountable for coddling you as a child and when do you start being responsible for how you expect others to treat you. Is she at fault for your bad relationships, as your partners don’t live up to her care standards?
When do you stop blaming your parents’ addiction problems for your own? Is it not your job to break the cycle?
How does the way you act after you fail at something relate to the expectations of others? Do you break your neck trying to make a point and stand out? Do you only care you failed because of what others would think?
If so, we’ve got to talk.
Your life is yours.
There is no one out there, no matter how long they’ve known you, that understands you better than you understand yourself.
You do know what you want, you just need to ask the right questions:
What would make me happy?
What’s the easiest way to accomplish that?
How do I start?
That’s your first step.
Then comes self-refection and understanding of your own actions.
For starters, the answer to every question you ask yourself should have 5 layers. To make it work, ask yourself Why you failed at something. After you answer, ask Why again. Don’t stop until you’ve reached the core answer, which is usually somewhere around Why number five.
The 5-why method may seem silly, but it’s crazy how deep you can go in your self-reflection by using it.
That’s your second step.
Something to keep in mind: I’m not saying people around you have no impact on how you act, but I am saying they are not responsible or accountable for how you act or feel.
Then comes the trick: identifying what you want & analyzing why you’ve failed can only do so much.
You need to take action.
Make small changes to your mindset and small progressions. It’s never going to be anything huge, not at first.
You will need to work on that reflex,which will struggle to find excuses and someone else to blame. You will need to work on that voice inside your head that calls you the worst things after you fail. You will need to learn how to embrace failure.
You’ve tried something, it didn’t work. It’s not the end of the world.
You can always try again or attempt something else.
You can go back to school or switch majors.
You can apologize to those you’ve hurt and work on doing better.
You can go to therapy and work on your depression.
You can set new goals and start on them.
There are endless possibilities in life, don’t let the simple fact of not wanting to own up to who you are and why you’ve failed stop you from experiencing them.
Life’s not a video game, but do-overs still exist.