There’s this feeling I get
Not always, only sometimes
On the days I isolate myself
From every unimportant person in the world-
Everyone I don’t want to let in
On those days,
When I let the void take over –
Just for a little bit
So I can breathe and gear up for the fight
I let myself think and remember.
We were family once.
I’d look at you
And your eyes would reflect all I’m thinking;
We had each other’s backs,
Strangers in a foreign country:
Us against them and all that jazz-
You said so.
Then again, you said so many things
And I believed every one of them
Despite my best efforts.
Hook, Line and Sinker.
We walked side by side
In search of vodka
To take the edge off,
To celebrate being alive
In acceptance of our inherent failures.
Knowing we’ll never be good enough
And somehow managing not to care:
Not when there was vodka,
And the two of us.
We were family.
You got a message
Swiped the notification
Without even looking twice,
Laughed and told me a story
Of a friend that once was.
And I should have been smarter,
Recognized the pattern,
Developed SOME self-preservation skills,
Listened to my screaming logic.
The truth is: I was already in too deep.
Instead, I smiled
Happy to be THE friend;
The lifeline, the sister,
The alter ego you took
When you wanted to pretend to be good.
Those moments you couldn’t look,
Couldn’t face the image reflected at you-
Too kind in its cruelty: a story of contradictions.
Selfishly, I was pleased:
I was always a possessive little shit.
You were the brother I never had-
One I wished into existence.
Someone who understood all my silences
And revealed all my sins
Without even having to try too hard.
Someone I could read,
Actions driven by instinct alone
It happened fast, like a car crash.
Meeting you was being at peace for once:
With who I am and what I stand for.
It was liberating:
Not having to hide the darkest parts of me
I trusted you.
Even when my brain screamed I shouldn’t.
And I knew it was a bad idea
Wondering into the unknown
With my shoelaces untied.
I was always stupider than I appeared.
I wish I believed in soul mates-
Because I swear my soul recognized yours,
Fluttered without my approval
Reached over and entangled with it.
You became an integral part,
An extension of my own person, a phantom limb
One whose ache I still feel;
Even with all the time and distance in the world.
Nothing can erase that.
I never thought I would become a swiped notification.
I thought I couldn’t lose you-
And how do you even lose people
They’re not change
Trickling out of the hole in your pocket.
They just leave, when you least expect them to
Leaving only resentment
And taking the part of you that could look at the future
With optimism and ferocity.
We were a family once.
The funny thing is:
I still daydream about seeing you.
About what I would say,
And you would say-
A perfect little script
To make everything better;
To start over;
To start believing my own instincts again.
But the scenario always changes, fickle in its deceptions
All my sense leaves me, and I am at war.
And I know; God, I know
It’s more unrealistic
Then Ned Stark waltzing in
And claiming the Iron Throne.
We’re where we should be.
On opposite sides of the world:
The distance reflecting the dissonance of our steps.
Outside forces brazenly showing us
We were never supposed to fit for long.
A truth I still can’t properly face.
We were family.
I still wish
We could exist at the same place at the same time-
Just for a moment
So I could feel that understood again.
A second of perfection-
Not only in the recollections
Shown in Ghosts of Christmases past;
Or memories that get jumbled together,
Where truth and fiction intertwine.
It’s childish and silly, and everything I’m not.
If Genies were real:
You’d be one of my wishes.
Maybe even the first one.
I’m not sure who I am without you,
And I’m too scared to find out.
Truth is, I can’t help missing you
Anymore than I could help joining your orbit.
You were my sun for a while-
Until you burned everything down.